On the 2nd of January, 2014, an old Dutch woman summoned me to her posh glass cubicle to tell me I was HIV positive. At the end of our conversation, she glanced at me in pity – trying to console me with the words; “Some people manage to change their lives to the better after such news...”.
Through her eyes, she tried to be consoling.
Through my eyes, I told her to go fuck herself.
In that moment, my life had fallen to into chaos.
The days, the weeks, the months and years that followed would send me on a journey. An unknown world of pure fear, of exhaustion and of emotional suffering would unravel before me.
Until that day I had travelled the world. From the ancient Tibetan city of Lhasa, to war-torn Kabul, to deserted beaches on the Uruguayan coast – the world was my playground to be explored. My adventure.
And then it stopped. On that day I stopped travelling the world. I would start a different journey. One I was completely unprepared for. A journey I didn’t even want to go on. Ill-equipped, with no bearing and no sense of where this would take me, I would descend on my greatest adventure so far – into the darkest corner of myself.
(In retrospect, it sort of reminds me of the time I nearly killed myself when trying to summit the mountain Stok Kangri in the Himalayas (6,153m) in ill equipped Birkenstock sandals – overly ambitious and utterly unprepared. But that’s a different story.)
Now, 5 years later, I look back at that long and arduous trail behind me and the choices I was forced to make.
To continue suffering, or take on the challenge.
The crevices I had crawled through, the peaks I had summited, the lost paths I treaded, the seemingly never-ending darkness, the demons and angels I had encountered – and I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunity, for the friends and family that had been walking with me. That had provided me with their support. Grateful to have had the challenges I had to face – Grateful to be able to stare into the abyss – and lose my fear of it. To grow from it. To use it as a source of strength and inspiration. To tell fate to go fuck itself too.
Because – damn - what a ride.
And I made it - That stupid Dutch woman was right. My HIV diagnosis had given me the challenge of introspection, which I had now survived. It had confronted me with my shadows, my choices in life, my really annoying traits.
I hope to be able to share this. To offer the insights I have gained with others as pieces of advice, to others that are at the beginning of this journey. To give them a compass, a map or a push in the right direction – as scary, dark and uncomfortable as it may be.
To infect them with my optimism.
As of June, I am a certified Sexual- and Couples-Counsellor...
On to new adventures!
Comments